Stars In Their Heads
   Texas State University astronomers, (get that,) have decided that British history will have to be re-written. According to them Julius Ceasar's Roman invasion in 55BC happened over the 22nd-23rd of August and not as all history books proclaim over the 26th and 27th. The reason, they claim, is that the tide would have been flowing the wrong way... eh? Where have these guys been all their lives, in the stars? As any fule kno, tidal currents change 4 time every day, twice with every whole tide. Now as someone who has experienced crossing the English Channel many times including in small open sailing boats several times, and other small slow craft, and beeen washed both east and west of predicted courses, I can say categorically that predicting how the tides will affect your crossing over a whole day period is not a matter of just looking up tide tables; it all depends on circumstances. In any case over a 2 day invasion there will have been at least 5 changes of flow direction, maybe 8 or even 9. I suspect Ceasar was actually aiming at the White Cliffs as they could see that from the other side and were closest, expecting to land at Folkestone or Dover, but actually got washed east by the tide. If that is the case then all the theories go out of the window! Sorry Texas guys, your idea doesn't hold water, if you'll pardon the pun. Ed.

Thickett's Last Stand? - StO
   True to recent form, US politicians and diplomats are refusing to join in any efforts to reduce CO₂ emissions. Two separate incidents this week- first, plans to charge emissions tax per aeroplane rather than per passenger were attacked by the US ambassador in London. Why? It makes far more sense to tax the actual fuel burnt rather than let empty seats off the hook. Two, US plans to impose limits and tarrifs on high carbon emitters have been blocked by Republicans who are sponsored by the oil industry. Even if they did sneak through, President GW Thickett has promised to veto any legislation on it. Lawmakers are apparently now waiting until Barak Obama is president... fat chance.

Flying High?
   The Japanese, it appears, have developed a very novel approach to fighting drugs. Instead of confiscating cannabis and fining users, they are actually giving it away, randomly. Now we've suspected for a long time that Far Eastern minds have a different logic than ours. Our only explanation is that maybe by giving it away, they hope the appeal of it will diminish. Either that or it was a mistake to stash cannabis in an unsuspecting airline passenger's bag to test sniffer dogs that couldn't smell it... then forget what bag it was in.

Flowerester FC
   This week sees the Chelsea United Flower Final played out in front of thousands live and millions on TV. With Lampranthus expected to be fit and displaying midfield, Chelone's Russian owner Abromeitiella must be in the pinks. On the other lobe, Malvastrum United's manager, Ferocactus, will be hoping that Portugese star Rondeletia can keep up his gold performances in his usual fertile style. Whatever the final outcome, the result will soon be hyssopustry.

The Universe And Everything
   The archbishop of Westminster, England's most senior Roman Catholic, is quoted today as saying atheists should be held 'in deep esteem' by Christians. It was apparently part of a piece on the de-godding of UK society. Does he mean that atheists are better than people who don't care? Or is he trying to stop the UK being more Muslim than Christian? We have noticed that God Slot writers in various UK newspapers, most of whom are Anglican Christian clergy, seem to know far more about Muslims than they do about atheists. Perhaps it is time atheism was taught as part of comparative religion, preferably by an atheist.

Never Ending Talk
   Latest analysis of natural temperature cycles suggests that global warming will be cancelled out by natural cooling over the next few years. The authors of the report hoped it would give a breathing space for plans to combat general global warming to be put in place. Hum... more likely it will give ammunition to the anti-doing-anything brigade in the USA in particular. Don't watch this space: the likely hood is substantive measures to combat fossil fuel use will stall.

Biobacktrack
   In spring 2007 Stew the Oil predicted in this column that biofuels would cause almost as many problems as they solve, (see Blogjob - 2007.) At last the EU commission has realised and decided not to implement its original intention to make all fuels 10% from renewable bio sources by 2020; no big surprise given the food riots seen in several countries recently. If half as much time and effort in research had been spent as the US oil lobby do protecting oil profits, we'd have had zero CO₂ emission cars long ago.

Fer Legged Friend
   Some field archers wondered if they'd been transported over the rainbow rather than over the Pennines to Yorkshire during a recent competition. They stopped and stared, boggle eyed at the strangest dog they'd ever seen being taken walkies. Closer examination of this large-tailed, mini dachshund on a lead revealed it to be a ferret ! Ey oop, muckybrass, nowt so queer as fowk.

Heartburn
   A recent nightly news feature series on pollution involved clearing plastic bags, artificial fiibre fishing nets etc off an island paradise and mentioned, get this, an albatross that swallowed a cigarette lighter. Hmm, that would give it heartburn all right.

Roast Ham
   Asked what was going through his mind while delayed with a stuck wheel, what did Formula One championship leader Lewis Hamilton say? That he was frustrated at watching his rivals race away? No. He said 'I was thinking that I could do with a beer.'

1- Hold Gun, 2- Shoot Foot
   We don't often comment directly on party politics, but here is one. National support amongst Democrat voters in USA (Gallup poll)- Clinton 49%, Obama 42%. Why then so intent on disallowing Clinton's delegates, eh Democrats?

Seven Add Three = ?
   The new TEN deadly sins pronounced by his holiness in the Vatican now include drug trafficking, (OK,) pollution, (hmm, is farting really a deadly sin?), (Yes, Ed,) and stem cell research! Now that really is daft; the act of bannning the most promising avenue of research for the benefit of mankind is actually the sin in most peoples eyes. It proves just how far out of touch these people are with the real world. Christianity needs to keep up with the times to survive. Vatican city, hang your heads in shame.

High as a Shark?
   Recently beaches in the UK have seen unusual visitors, no not turtles again, sacks of Colombian cocaine worth millions of pounds have been washed up. Now what would have happened if some sea creature had tried eating it? Perhaps we should send these sacks to our friends in Australia, that might stop shark attacks all season long.

Antidote
   The antidote to Cambiguity's comments (below) came recently when Brown-Gordon announced plans to force migrants to learn English and Englishness. We'll see if it ever happens.

Archbishop of Cambiguity
   Another senior priest puts his oar in politics! This time it's rather surprisingly the normally pragmatic Church of England boss Rowan Wlillams. 'Aspects of Sharia law should be incorporated in to UK law for Muslims because they don't relate to our law.' Come off it! Doing that would take us back to medieval times as well as making one law for X and another for Y. No, that's madness. Stick to doing God and shut up in public, please.

Pass It On
   Why such a fuss in the media about genetics and obesity? Surely everyone knows that two fat parents are likely to have fat children, that's been the case ever since humanoids started breeding in 700099 BC. Ah, well, some American university has 'proved' that it isn't entirely MacDonalds fault. What an absolute waste of time!

Back Ache
   An American military satellite, reputedly containing dangerous material, is due to crash to Earth during February 2008, it was admitted very recently (Jan '08). Where, is the obvious question. US authorities simply state they are watching it.
   Given that this is a very large military satellite and apparently nuclear powered, means it is not in stable high orbit, gaining its power from photocells, but in a much faster and lower orbit as would be needed to spy on countries like Iran and North Korea. Now such orbits can fly over virtually the entire surface of the globe at some time.
   Depending on who you believe, between 8 and well over 100 satellites have come down before, including the Mir space station, without killing anyone yet, but this one is not geostationary and not high, so it could come down more or less intact into a highly populated area, rather than the equator in extremely burnt out, small bits... watch your back!
(Editors note added later- knowledge of this became more widely known during February when the USA finally decided to do a 'star wars' on it.)

Headache
   They've tried everything to avoid what is obvious to some; admit microwaves can make you ill. "There is no evidence," that's the usual ploy. Now there is evidence and they cannot deny it, because they financed it- the phone industry that is. Two separarate universities in separate continents were asked to do a thorough investigation of mobile phone microwaves and everything we've mentioned, (see microwaves.html on this webiste,) from headaches to poor concentration or confusion has been proven and even they've added sleep deprivation and loss of memory now. You can bet they'll try to bury this.

Sowcow
   Many, many, many years ago the late Benny Hill did a very short visual gag on his comedy TV show where 'SOWCOW' was transformed into 'MOSCOW' by swivelling the first three letters of a label on a map through 180 degrees. No this bit isn't about the childish actions of Russian authorities tit-for-tatting antics over refusing to extradite an alleged murderer to Britain. Actually it might happen that in Britain geneticists could produce a 'SowCow,' because two univeristy medical departments have been granted leave to make cross species embryos for research purposes. At first it will be 99% human and 1% cow, the aim being to create new human-ish stem cells for reasearch into curing diseases like Altzheimers and Parkinsons, which cause misery to millions. Needless to say the God Squad are up in arms; 'messing with nature' etc. Look, humans have messed with nature as long as we existed: agriculture; selective livestock breeding; selective plant breeding; pesticides; medicines; you name it! You can hear it now from sensible people; a communal frustrated sigh at those sad, deluded fundamentalists.

Nu Year Hangover
   As predicted two years ago by our columnist StO, and in our more recent satirical predictions column, (page bottom,) the hangover of indecision in the past has meant the inevitable has happened and the UK is to go ahead and replace a large number of old nuclear reactors. The fact was that nobody in the past had the balls to stand up to the anti-everything campaigners and now with a looming power shortage it is the only option to fill the gap. Remember the old joke? NuGets adapts it for the inevitable... 'They used to be indecisive... now I'm not so sure!'

Common Sense?
   Britain has an archaic and at times perverse system of law, being a combination of 'statute' and 'common' law. Statute means set by parliament after at least a token debate. Common law however is more to do with custom and/or some individual, and possibly quirky, judge's decision in court, maybe hundreds of years ago. One such law was recently invoked, but the case thrown out by a judge and so is likley to be repealed. That law? Blasphemy. This ancient law is, and patently has been for a long time, a complete anachronism. Why cannot I say in public that I think blindly religious zealots are bad? Theoretically if I say that of a Christian in England I can be put in prison!

introducing - The Evelyn Murray MEGALOMANIAC AWARDS 2007
   Here they are guys; EM's hotheads of last year - got the hots so they can they can head my way anytime !
   Just a loser- GWB (Only 4th?! Ed.)
   3rd- Hugo Chavez. Boy, does he have an ego or what?
   2nd- Kim Jong Il - a megalomaniac with zero influence, ha, ha.
   AND... 1st is... President Ahmanejad of Iraq. Who does he think he's fooling, eh?

2008 Predictions ... ? - © copyright Infinity Junction November 2007
December 2007- indecision by previous governments, too afraid of public backlash, now prove a mistake as there is not enough power left from aging and decrepit nuclear power stations to go round. New rules say that all strings of Christmas lighting can only be switched on on alternate days. Major air traffic diversions cause paralysis at airports on alternate nights as rules on outdoor strips of lights are enforced.
January 2008- with Christmas over, the government in England relaxes rules on runway lights. In mainland Europe however the Russians are up to their usual winter tricks of restricting gas supplies to push up prices and to persuade Euro-parliament to put pressure on President Thickett to abandon his anti Iranian missile sheild. It is only resolved when so few flights run that there is surplus fuel.
February- floods and incredibly freezing cold weather, caused by global warming, turn parts of England into an ice rink. With such a large flat, hard area, the government orders the building of a million new homes on it, mostly for immigrants and Hertfordshirodians.*
March- equinox gales flatten an entire wind farm sending the national grid into chaos. Oil prices reach a record high of $200 a barrel as the hurricane season starts even earlier than the doom and gloom merchants had predicted. Brown-Gordon orders three new nuclear power stations on the quiet, to be disguised as failed asylum removal centres. He also orders Hertfordshire to be razed* so that biofuel crops can be grown. No-one outside Hertfordshire notices.
April- Professor Colin Longhair of Euro-Up-There, claims that Beagle 2, the lost Mars lander, has been spotted on the moon, fully functioning but beaming signals to Mars, not Earth. Meanwhile rising temperatures in the northern hemisphere on earth, melt a certain ice rink, leaving hundreds of Polish builders stranded.
May- UK government realizes that it yet again underestimated immigration as a local census in Norfolk finds half the population there only speaks Polish. Polish politicians, fed up at not being able to find a competent plumber, ask for their people back... please... pretty please.
June- apathy in local government elections reaches new heights when only Poles can be bothered to vote in numbers and Norfolk gains its first non-English speaking councillors.
July- Astronomers give up their detailed scrutiny of the moon when it's realised Prof Longhair's claim was an April fool joke. In fact Beagle 2 landed in Milton Keynes but people thought it was a rubbish bin; it was hidden under a mound of litter until razed on Brown-Gordon's orders.
August- Another dry summer and an early start to the hurricane season causing gales on this side of the Atlantic sees dust storms in southern England and muddy rain in Scotland as a consequence. Southern Europe by contrast has fewer forest fires than ever because most were burned down in 2007.
September- schools start a new year but it is discovered half the children in Norfolk only speak Polish. The government starts a new teacher recruitment drive. Polish politicians start to get really peeved and threaten to come over here too.
October- Osama bin Laden narrowly escapes arrest in Poland where he is seeking to recruit trained Chechen rebel terrorists who have been attracted to Poland by abundant job vacancies. A new brand of British biofuel goes on sale as a trial, it called Herf after its place of origin.
November- new prime minister RaÞstychyk Kytykchkznç makes his first front bench speech... in Polish. The Speaker of the house, Bzrtdchyg Brnmchzski, reprimands him and asks him in English and Polish to speak Polish in English. He later introduces a law allowing all East Europeans into Britain, backed by his Polish majority in parliament.
December- a snap election is called when new prime minister Romaniu Bucharesti is accused of bribery, intimidation and corruption. London police however, only fluent in English and Polish, can't interview him until 2009.