now running in its Eighteenth year - NuGgets TMish comment column - "poking fun and pointing fingers"
From TV- emergency telephone response to agitated caller: "Do you have any mental health problems?" Caller answers: "I'm a vegetarian."
Enter The Twentieth Century
With a predicted 70% vote in favour of Ireland leaving the 19th century Catholic dominated era and allowing some abortions, at last, life will be fairer in Eire. It still hasn't reached the twenty-first century because the criteria allowing abortion are very strict. Wake up Catholic faith; the so called pro-life lobby, mostly religious fandamentalists, are actually pro-death.
Dump Bang Bong
It was predictable with such unpredictable characters, wasn't it. President Dump cancelling his meeting with Kim Bang Bong after an outburst of pique over de-nuclearisation. The trouble is Bang Bong really does think ha can threaten America into letting NK onto the top table. It won't happen. Now NK has "blown up" its nuclear test site. The explosions shown on TV were utterly pathetic. We've seen more spectacular car crashes. The damage could be cleared by a mechanical digger in a day or two. Not only that, but UK news reported those same tunnels damaged by collapses and landslides several weeks before, so what's that supposed to prove?
It's truth, you can lose £340 million just like that! Wesfarmers, Australian DIY chain owners, bought 250 store DIY chain Homebase, trying to inject some ozzie pizazz into the sluggish UK brand. This week they sold the whole lot for just £1. How many times have we seen UK companies getting stung like this in other countries? More than we should. Do your homework!
After the crappy UK Parole Board was given a kick up the arse, (see below,) the equally notorious Crown Prosecution Service is in line for kicking too. Several high profile cases, notably three rape trials, fell apart because of their idiocy. Whether these falings were attempted deviousness or merely incompetence is not clear. What is clear is that both staff and systems are ineffective in many cases. Clear 'em out, make them do a proper job for a living.
Parole Parsimony 5
At last those idiots on the Parole Board have been shown up for the prats that they are. (See previous NuGgets columns in BlogJob.) Finally the High Court has over-ruled them for the very first time and stopped a dangerous man being released by these self-righteous, "do-gooding" i.e. head-in-the-sand morons. Parole Board head has resigned; good. Now let's see the rest of them go and some common sense people replace them.
Carm-off-it- Evelyn Murray, Infinity Junction's opera and booze correspondent
Carmen, the flibbertygibbert gypsy girl sung by a Valkyrie voice? Royal Opera House's production broadcast last Sarturday was awful, slow, contrived and badly miscast. What should have had lively, feisty singing, turned into a derge because the voice just was wrong. Next we'll have The Queen of the Night sung by Cliff Richard. Must do better ROH.
Scalpel... Forceps... Igniter... Dictionary...
"You don't have to be a rocket surgeon to work that one out." Pyon Snow commentary, BBC TV.
What's The Question Being Answered Here?
"The difference between them is backside air and frontside four-forty."
(No not a medical conundrum, nor even a rude event at a bus stop; Pyon Snow Olympic commentary.)
Wet Winter Blues
Scene- Nesstown, north Englnd, February, cold, windy and very wet- "I hate these wet winter days!" "We'll go the Cape Town then."
(3 years of total drought- Ed.)
The usual ballyhoo is underway in Pyon Snow, or wherever, made all the more bally by a "show of unity" between N and S K. The word "Show" is key here because the amount of real unity between Kim Bang Bong and the South is still very much in question. As soon as the unlympics is over there'll be another rocket test.
Culture and Bitcoin
The Japanese have never been renowned for their logic, just use some TV remote control systems to see that. It seems their culture is "do what you're told," rather than "work it out." Well another oddity of Japanese logic is showing the strain of its lack of logical basis- the Bitcoin. Up and down, no real value, just some fantasy and hype. Now most UK banks are banning its buying with their credit cards and say they'll never accept it. That should have happened some time ago, but nobody expected this fairy money to last. Pooff!
What A Dump.
We in the UK moan about our government and "first past the post" electoral system that allows relatively unhindered minority rule. USA is worse, as proven by Dump's Republicans, unable to govern because the Democrats don't like his policies. A domestic budget that can be vetoed by a minority is pretty crazy. Okay, admitted most of the world thinks Dump is a twat, but does that excuse locking thousands of people out of their jobs without pay? Politics USA is a cripple.
(Here we are a month later- the same thing happens. Doh.)
What Did I Come In Here For?
Many people experience that, but today it's revealed that Christmas is the time to discover Altzheimer's disease. Apparently one of the commonest errors is to forget to turn the oven on for the festive dinner.
Raids On Churches Revealed
"Call for Organ Donors." BBC Wales.
Try Saying This In A Crowded Café
"Admire the quality and penetration." (From Match of the Day.)
Son Of A ...
"I'm the victim of a witch hunt," says Dump. By extension that means he is one.
Didn't Expect That, Dump
We actually agree with Dump for the first, and possibly the last, time! "We need to get less politically correct." No argument.
They've Done It... Oh No They Haven't- the Cat and the Joy - Ed.
I declare independence... maybe. Botch, botch! Ya boo! Pudgybear (or whatever) announces a sort of independence, then says he wants to negotiate first. Most would have thought either you are, or you're not. Not let's talk about it. That sounds like a monumental fudge by the Catalan party. Prediction- Pudgybear (or whatever) will be under arrest soon; Rajoy is just waiting for the right excuse. You think Brexit is a farce, (and I do,) this is hilarious.
Ryanasty-2 (see also 2 comments down)
Global shortage of pilots and crappy terms placed on Ryanair pilot contracts mean something is going to give. They've already extended the massive list of cancellations, through to six months rather than six weeks, supposedly due to "cocked-up holiday rotas" but actually caused by not having enough pilots. In an unprecedented public announcement the adjudicator of things airline has threatened legal action against Ryanair for refusing to re-book passengers on other airlines. Unless management style changes, I predict a massive shrinkage of the airline. Ryanair shareholders had better get on their phones to its MD now.
Transport for London has refused to renew a licence for ride-hailing company Uber. There'll be an outcry for certain! Controversial wherever they go, this 'private hire' business has had mixed publicity. Uber drivers themselves have mixed feelings, some claiming they can't make enough money without working dangerously long hours, others saying its the only way they can make a living. The main problem is anybody can become an Uber driver, even Kim Bang Bong, if he wanted to. Black cabbies have to pass a very rigorous test and be vetted, TfL appears to think Uber drivers should too, which of course would make them black cabbies too, but in private cars. Most Uber drivers in London would fail; some can only speak poor English. But they are cheaper than black cabs. Swings and roundabouts. This one will run.
82 flights from one airline had to be cancelled today because "we messed up pilot holidays." Is an airline that badly managed safe to fly with? Most people in the UK will guess who, if they don't already know; one of the world's least caring, most sneaky and capitalist driven- Ryanair. This is the airline most likely to surcharge you for very minor breaches of their Draconian rules. Now they are wrecking thousands of people's holidays. Cheap they may be, but also nasty.
Food Snob Snub - by our agriculture and food correspondent, Morgan O'Phosphate
Those pretentious celebrity chefs, and there are far too many of them, (pretentious I mean,) have taken a hit. 'You really should use sea salt, it has a much better flavour' types now have a problem- sea salt has been found to contain plastic micro-beads and synthetic fabric remains. So 'you really should use Cheshire mined salt, it's much safer,' should now be the slogan. Will it happen? No, the 'flat leaf parsley' brigade will go on turning up its collective nose at the 'Champion Moss Curled' gang, of which I'm one: it grows semi-wild round here and is subtle and delicious. Food snobery, ugh.
Kim Bang Bong just gets sillier and sillier. An H-bomb, he claims; US admits it was a big bang. Perhaps now those sluggard Chinese will stop trying to play the "wise" elder statesman, which they are not, and stop supplies of oil to North Korea, as the UN suggests.
Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition... Yet
Barcelona terrorist incidents this month have widely been blamed on a radical imam stirring followers into violence and murder. Perhaps it is time for Islam to gain control of itself and impose fixed training, qualification and inspections of imams in action, as in the Christian church hierarchy. Make sure anybody who preaches is "on message" as approved by sensible moderates within the religion. Otherwise the stautus of Islam as a whole can only deteriorate further. Well...?
How big is 100% ?
An odd headline, but it's to do with climate change and let's face it people are at odds over "facts." Emissions of climate warming gases are very poorly reported it seems. Switzerland accuses Italy of not reporting massive greenhouse gas emissions. India and China don't know how much they are emitting claiming their estimates are Plus or Minus 100%. The situation is made much worse by politicians, who know very little, but who have axes to grind, for example Nigel Lawson, ex Chancellor of the Exchequer, claiming temperatures have dropped, when they obviously haven't worldwide.
Bang Bong Bang
Two unpredictable egotists spouting threats- Kim Bang Bong and Dump- must make for discomfort in the far east. What if Bong's rockets don't reach Guam and fall on Japan? What if they really do fall on Guam? Can anybody hammer some sense into the diminutive fatty-puff? Surely he must realise that if Dump gets provoked enough Pyongyang is in for a pasting, mustn't he? Maybe he really is so delusional he doesn't realise. Woh.
English as a Second Language teachers are in increasing demand... here in the UK! The official figures now show that it's not Welsh that is our second language; it's Polish. Nobody can say we haven't been affected by immigration now.
Grenfell Tower ex-residents want to know who is to blame. If experience is anything to go by, it's probably lazyness on the part of quite a few people. Too lazy to check the changed cladding specification. Too lazy to ask the manufacturer if it has been tested to British standards. Too lazy to report the changed spec to the local authority. Local authority too lazy to check for themselves. Give it to an even lazier private company who can't be bothered to use the more difficult tests they should have used. Oh it doesn't matter: its only social housing.
Late Breaking Election News
The last ward of the Nesstown Zoo general election, (central-lower wetbits,) is finally known after a whopping thirty-seven recounts. (Charlotte, the accident prone monkey, only has four fingers left on one of her hands, so gets very confused with numbers greater than 9.) Donkeys and Ungulates Party, (DUP) after long talks, agreed to let the result stand and not contest the 4P's main manifesto plans as long as they get (a billion) more carrots. Proletarian Penguin Peoples Party's (4P) leader, Chief Pecker Pontius, proclaimed, Nesstown Zoo's 'Totally Tarian' management to be now weak and unstable. 'If we don't get central cooling in stalag Nesstown penguin pool, there'll be trouble,' he added. Zoo management responded with; 'there always is anyway. Those penguins need to examine their morals.' A search party led by Prefect Perseus is now looking for wall paintings.
I Told You So, No You Didn't, Yes I did
Well the headline is half true. SNP (see 3 items below) lost 21 of their 56 seats in the Scottish parliament. Fatfish admits it was her regular bleating for another independence referendum that put people off. Meanwhile ex-leader of SNP, Alex Oilyfish lost his seat. Ha! Down South not-popular-enough-to-have-a-nickname Teresa of Strong and Stable notoriety fared rather worse than expected and now relies on Northern Ireland MPs to push through Conservative policies. Five years of arguments ahead within UK parliament and over Brexit... yawn.
Dismay at Dump's withdrawal from the Paris climate control agreement has, it seems been replaced by Machiavellianism. Europe says it will now deal with American states, not central government, hoping that most of them will stick to the deal and thus bypassing Dump and co. Several large US corporations have already said they'll stick to the Paris accord. Divide and rule; an old ruse but a good one.
"On the ground oranges, horse shit and blood; a metaphor for life." (Paul Hollywood, BBC2.) How pseud.
SNaP Goes The Fat Fish
Nicola Fatfish of SNP ignominy has, predictably, cried foul of Teresa (not funny enough to have a nickname) May's decision to hold a snap UK election in seven weeks time. Fatfish has been mouthing off loudly and annoyingly for some while about a second referendum on Scottish independence. With her power base in Scotland at an all time high at the last election, it is unlikely that SNP will gain as many seats next time. On top of that Jeremy Useless Corblimey, UK Labour party divider (leader,) is losing middle ground support all round for his Trotskyite leanings and weak leadership. May's on to a winner. Britain goes further right, oh dear.
In Praise Of A Murderer
A whole 19 minutes of main news time was spent on a eulogy for that murderous ex IRA boss Martin McGuinness. This man may not have actually squeezed the trigger, (although some say he did,) but has openly admitted to encouraging the murders of pro UK activists. Shame on the BBC for giving him any praise at all, "peace process" or not.
Egg and Chicken - Morgan O'Phosphate, agriculture correspondent
A Dutch research team have announced the Amazon forest is not natural, but at least in part man-made. Hmm, whiffs of an aliens beat us to Earth story here, perhaps. They noticed that where ancient settelments were located, there were more trees useful for timber and firewood than elsewhere. It follows, they say, that European incomers planted them when they settled there. But, they seem to have ovelooked the likelyhood that the settlements were placed near concentrations of useful trees. Who came first, the humans or the trees? You guess. My guess is the Dutch team haven't thought this through.
An independent weather forecast offered on-line by one of the large internet search engines said today- Neston, AM, 24 knots wind, chance of precipitation 10%. Actually at that moment we were in 40-70 knot gusty winds and very heavy driving rain, which went on for several more hours. (Storm Doris.) Did they get their forecast from a horoscope? It certainly wasn't from facts.
PS: that afternoon a freak gust of turbulance managed to lift a full 60 gallon water butt AND its heavy concrete base high enough for levelling chocks to be dislodged beneath it. And that was in a sheltered position. From the same sheltered position a half full 1½ gallon metal watering can was blown several feet across the patio and behind an out-building. It must have been a mini-tornado... 24 knots; not.
Kim Bang Bong, that diminutive fatty-puff so called leader of North Korea, shows the world how paranoid he is by having his elder half brother murdered. The other Kim posed no real threat to Bang Bong's leadership yet still insecurity haunts this unpredictable lunatic. He has to toppled. (Suggestion; cut the L out the last word- ed.)
Where do you think the sexiest city in the world is? Amsterdam, perhaps? No; Swindon, Wiltshire, UK. Apparently up to 30 "pop-up" brothels open every week, advertising mainly Romanian and Polish prostitutes. Well that's what free travel and work rights does under European Law. (Perhaps they are trying get the work in here before we are no longer in the EU? Ed.)
In what is almost certainly a gross over-reaction to recent data, UK government scientists anounced that browned or burned toast can cause cancer. What happens when starch is heated strongly enough, (as in toast and roast potatoes,) is that it starts to burn. Part of the resulting changed material is a substance called acrylamide. Elsewhere some scientists had fed large doses of acrylamide to mice and some got cancer. The step from that to cancer from toast, is a very big one: the concentrations used are orders of magnitude apart. Highlight facts, but please don't cry wolf, mister government scientist, that's for the gutter press to do.
Beyond Be Dragons
This week that loose canon Dump (short for D Trump) gets to be boss of the most powerful nation. Sends shivers down your spine, eh. What with that moral-less, beligerant Putin in Russia and Europe entering a period of political near chaos, who knows where we're going? It is amazing how just a few bad leaders can cause so much damage to world societies, look at the Middle East for evidence. Will the Mexican wall actually be built? Will Britain still trade with our nearest neighbours? In renaissance times maps used to show unexplored seas with huge waves and dangerous monsters. Remind you of something?
Story Of Wonder
Who came up with the idea of a fictional super-hero being a UN ambassador? Well it didn't last long: Super Woman has been sacked. The episode is as hard to believe as the comic strip!
Dark And Light
A bright "flash" of light in the sky has been studied by astronomers for months now. At first it was thought to be an exploding star, a super nova. Now it seems we may have the first clues about how black holes and stars interact. (See BlogJob for previous comments about heads in the stars and putting your finger in a black hole.) Apparently the star is being torn open by a black hole. (You might need to stitch your finger up.)
Reading this from a search engine? See blogjob for previous NuGgets comments. Already at this years NuGgets? See Blogjob, for last year's poking fun and pointing fingers NuGgets.