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A compilation of some of the entries from our main website NuGgets column since it started.
The latest material may be in the main NuGgets column,, or in another page on this site.
Authors: EM, StO, NG-1 (the boss and editor of the official column,) NG-2, with occasional ideas from others.
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Pick your time period:
 year 2005 - first part  
(Predictions 2005. Dimming, MacArthur, Bird-flu 5, hunting, stealing, jailing, pyjamas, Blairaq.)
 year 2005 - part two  
(Election x 2, fire, Italy, cheese, Airbus, guns, Blah back, clones, euro-no.)
 year 2005 - part three  (Nee, hack, EC spat, space, sheep, Meadow, Heath, nude, right? crime, Kurd, rich, Lexus.)
 year 2005 - fourth part  (ArrogFrance-7, Merkel, Roman fish, smoke, Kratos, bugs, nuke, smoke2, plot, IRA, quiz.)
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        Osama, oil, Bush, Blair... which is worst, what next?


dateline 2005 - part one

2005 Predictions ... ? - © copyright Infinity Junction December 2004
   January - eating becomes illegal while driving a car in the UK, punishable by up to 20 years in prison if compounded by mobile phone use or driving in North Wales.
   February - new tariffs are introduced for murderers who torture and mutilate less than 4 people at a time, provided they admit they've done it and say sorry they were caught- 400 hours community service.
   March - Jack Straw shakes hands with Osama Bin Laden while not wearing his glasses in an African conference.
   April - the European Commission agree new fishing quotas after protest from French and Spanish fishermen that they're only allowed 99% of all fish everywhere.
   May - the last North Sea cod surrenders to the fourteen French and Spanish fishing boats that have been hunting it for days. It says it's lonely.
   June - fourteen French and Spanish fishing boats surrender to the Icelandic navy after a hunt lasting days. However under EU rules they've reached their quota and have to be thrown back in.
   July - Tony Blah resigns as UK PM and is officially beatified by Pope Berlusconi 1.
   August - (silly season;) the International Chicken Sequencing Consortium voted best body... phuarr!
   September - Hollywood announces it is to re-make The Lord Of The Rings and set it in 20th century Middle America; stars to include Woody Allen as Sauron, Hugh Grant as President of the USA, Halle Berry as Al Capone, Mike Myers as Frodo and Marge Simpson as Gandalf's lavatory brush. Elves are to be played by Red-Indians.
   October - elves go on strike in protest. Re-instated British cabinet minister, 'cuddles' Blunkett, offers Phillippino elves visas to be nannies in the UK; fast-tracked of course.
   November - a long-running trade dispute between USA and the EU effectively ends when the dollar drops so low that European countries club together to buy America.
   December - three wise men spot a star coming from the east, so buy myrhh, frankincense and hold... talks. Fortunately, talks drag on and well before they reach the spot where it seems to hover briefly over a workshop, the Israeli missile explodes and they escape.

Global Dumbing
   Recently released reports say the sun over America was 20% brighter than normal on 12th September 2001 after that fateful day before - no aircraft in the sky - proof of global dimming due to air pollution?
   Of course George W Thickett came over as all tough then and his very marginal hold on US power became stronger.
   Now that's real proof of global dimming!

Floating Publicly
   B&Q and French partners Castorama must be slapping each other heartily on the backs after buying so much TV time for a fraction of the normal advertsing cost. Diminutive heroine Ellen MacArthur sailed her record breaking trimaran oh so slowly across the channel for the homecoming, giving the yacht unprecidented live TV coverage on both sides of the channel. Buying that sort of publicity isn't easy. On top of that there's a prime time show going out tonight.
   Perhaps it is time other publicity seekers got on the band wagon. How about Tony Blah doing a trip before the election? Or one of the Grand Ayatollahs? Nah: they couldn't afford it. But there is one minority organisation who could; the IRA!

(For non-Brits- IRA bank robbery of 26·5 million UK£, $49M.)

Vetman and Cock Robin
   Year of the cockerel and no chicken on the menu in Thailand. This calls for Infinity Junction's new super-hero cross-speciesing Jabman. There he goes winging it through the air, flu jabs in his pouch. Is it a bird? Oh dear, WHO'd have believed it, he's moulting in mid flight! No it's not a bird its a stone. Ooh that must have hurt...
   Time for Infinity Junction's even newer super-hero, Ambulanceman.

All Bark, No Bite - EM
   A ban on hunting with dogs came into force in the UK recently after many, many years of trying get such a law against this cruel 'sport' passed. Of course the red-coated toffs threatened all sorts of rebellion, hot air as it happens because they caved in to the new rules imposed on them. The hunts claim their human rights have been abused and that helping dogs to tear a fox apart alive is a rural way of life. I've lived in the countryside half of my life, and worked on farms, but don't see any need for traditional foxhunting. We should do the same as we do with most other pests and shoot them... maybe the foxes too.

Courting Trouble - EM (With thanks to D. Beck for the tip-off.)
   Reported the the Daily Telegraph is the case of a man who, at a job interview, was asked if he had proof of identity. "Yes," said the man handing over a letter from the police urging him to turn himself in!
   I suspect I might have met a relation of his some years back when he told me he couldn't turn up at next weeks class because he was in court. Surprised I asked why. "I stole a car," he explained. Even more surprised I asked why he'd stolen a car. The answer: "It was a Ford Escort, I know how to get them."
   Impeccable logic.

Terrior Bitch
   Wasn't it fun to see all those hairy terriorists at Crufts parading excitedly round the ring, towed heads-high by their warders. Of course now they've been let out for walkies, one might be worried the terriors will crap on your patch. However, after a boner of a two day session, Judge Blah and the Kennel Parliament assure us they are being watched. Is that enough though?
   Under European canine rights law we can't keep dangerous dogs in kennels without trial any more. Sometimes one wonders who is the chump-ion here; the dogs (of war) or euro-law.

   With so much possible compensation money at stake and with a prima donna in the dock, Wacko Jacko's trial was always set to be pure theatre. The question is will the jury know play acting when it occurs?

Blairaq - EM
   Depending on who you believe either 45,000 or 100,000 protesters congregated in London demanding withdrawal from Iraq and PM Blah's resignation over sending UK troops there in the first place. A far cry from the numbers 2 years ago. One might say their demand is like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted; anyway bringing all UK forces back right now would cause chaos.
   But EM has a cunning plan... radically cut armed forces spending. If the Army was only big enough to be purely defensive, Saint Blah (or Bliar as they call him) would have no-one to send and we wouldn't be footing the bill for someone else's war.

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2005 - part two

   Blah and Brown-Gordon have gone chummy again just in time for the election. Blah called his sparring partner "Pobably the best Chancellor in..."
   There was an advert for lager some time back rather similar. Both sell froth.

Ordeal by Fire - election special
   In vain hope of having a barbecue at the weekend, newspaper was put on the floor so the barbecue grill could be cleaned. What headline greeted? "Your Chance To Grill A Politician" !
   (Wirral News - {17p when sold})

Habeamus PM (?)
   The election of a 78 year old right-winger has been viewed by some as a mistake. What was really needed to boost flagging supporter numbers was someone who understood the people. But never mind, Berlusconi is in trouble and probably won't last long. You might see the white flag coming out of the chimney any time now.

(Don't) Say Cheese - by our chief nutritionist (and web designer) NMLG (otherwise known as NG2)
   Tesco, UK's largest supermarket chain, (and one of Europe's largest,) have refused to join the traffic light scheme. You may wonder what Tesco have against traffic lights, after all a lot of them have their entrances controlled by them. Well, this scheme was about labelling foods green through to red depending on how much salt and/or fat in them. Of course potato crisp manufacturers and other unhealthy food makers hate the idea.
   Actually Tesco have a point because under the scheme nearly all cheese would be red for danger. Which is daft. Imagine Cheese Strings being lumped with cigarettes. Since cheese represents a very significant part of the vitamin and mineral content of our diet, to have this frowned upon is rather silly.
   You can see it coming: GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING - eating cheese can damage you health.
   And so can not eating it.

Large Aeroplane Flies - EM
   Shocking news today- a new large aeroplane didn't crash killing hundreds. It took off without crashing, flew about without crashing and even landed without crashing.
   This devastating news will be greeted with great alarm in Seattle. Watch out Bill Gates!*
(*You mean Boeing, surely? - Ed.)

Gun With The Fairies - StO
   Britain's famously tight gun laws, which since introduced has seen gun crime rise ten fold, have caused another miscarriage of justice. Recently it was partially corrected, when a 48 woman teacher was released from jail, but not cleared of charges, after firing an air pistol at the ground near youths who had been vandalising her property and making her life a misery for months. Okay, using any gun in a public place is illegal, so she was guilty of that but didn't deserve 6 months in jail for it. But what worries is the fact that she was convicted of a 'firearms' offence. English law states that an airgun is not a firearm unless it has a power exceeding 6 foot pounds for a pistol or 12 foot pounds for a rifle. The average air pistol is about 4 foot pounds and since hers was old, probably only 3 (and if was that old but popular Gat brand, only 1.) It's about time these ineffective and crazily enforced laws were reviewed dispassionately - either air pistols are legal or they aren't - you can't have them being legal in their cases but illegal if you fire them. Which is what courts tend to say.

Same Bloke Takes On Same Job
   Shock horror disastrophy hit a north European island as an election produced the predicted result.
   Bookmakers were shaken (with glee.)
   Pundits fumed in frustration (that they wouldn't hit the headlines.)
   Tories quaked, as always since 'that woman' was sacked.
   A relatively prosperous European country quaked with boredom.
   So watch your step Chirac and Berlusconi: you just might stay in power, then have some explaining to do.
   Europe quakes.*
*(Snores, surely - Ed.)

Eggaggerated Response
   So we have a big fanfare, accompanied by the predictable outcry from the God Squad, for the first human embryo clones. (England and Korea.)
   The really big fanfare should be for when the first human life is saved by this technology!

ArrogFrance-6 - EM
   Well Chirac, don't you think it's time to go? We do. Busted, boring, bombastic and some other bs can all be applied to him.
   Heaven knows where France's rejection of the European Constitution leaves Europe politically. Heaven knows how much more euro-sceptic Britain becomes.
   I find it all rather bemusing. Amusing even.
   The editor reminds me to point out that we're not anti-Europe, we're anti the old school and complete and utter arrogance of those in higher establishment positions. (Like Chirac, Berlusconi and co.) It seems as if the French people feel the same.
   So EM has a cunning plan. (Oh no - Ed.) Break up every European and aspiring euro country and re-invent them around language lines. That way most of Belgium would join France and they'd get the yes vote. Part of Holland would join Germany, Austria and part of Poland, rather as Hitler would have preferred, which is ironic. England would claim half of Wales and most of Scotland and would therefore have a better football team - we'd probably have to call it Scintland; sounds about right. And Welsh and Walloon speakers would have their own countries which they'd always wanted anyway.

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2005 - part three

Nee Nee Never - by our new Dutch correspondent, Yan van Damn!
   Another nail. Europe quakes, just as predicted a little while ago in this column. Who next to wield the axe? As Nick Crimelook says: 'incidents like this are very rare, so don't have nightmares.'
   Always wondered who Nick was speaking to.

Safe As Mouses - ?
   Gary McKinnon, citizen of London, England, a comparatively lowly hacker who had a fixation about UFOs and a belief that the US miltary were using useless computer security, decided to make a point. He broke into and usurped control of 97 separate US miltary computer systems, crippling e-mail and a naval harbour in his attempts. We think he made his point about useless security!
   He is now resisting attempts to extradite him to the USA. Not surprising since in England he wouldn't expect to face more than 5 years in jail, whilst the US authorities, smarting from their exposure, are pressing for up to 70 years in jail. At 39 McKinnon would die in US custody for what some see as a service to The West as a whole for exposing weaknesses.
   We at Infinity Juction have a problem with both the attitude of the US authorities in this case and the fact that they were so utterly complacement of security then- just pre-9/11. McKinnon does not seem any sort of genius and his background shows no excellence, nor any malice towards national services. So the fact that such a man could disable the US army, navy, parts of the Pentagon and NASA, as well some corporations, might make him the ultimate whistle-blower.
   Perhaps it's time for the big guys to do what some of us small guys have seen as obvious for years now- don't keep sensitive material on internet connected computers; we don't and never have.
   It is most worrying to think that other more evil intentioned people could do what Gary McK did and maybe even breach US missile launching codes. From what we've seen it seems possible.
   Which brings us back to the question of who controls the security of such systems... does anyone? Well if they do, then they should be the ones on trial for dereliction of duty, not the whistle-blower.

What the ec?
   With the big public spat between mister arrogfrance himself, Chirac, and saint Blah, what chance has the EC of surviving in current form? There'll be the usual fudge in the short term and every single leader will claim they've 'won.' But for the long term things are not going to get better while Chirac is still in power. How long?

Impacted Wisdom - EM
   $th of July, (sorry hit two buttons,) 4th July should see the most expensive snowball fight ever! Comet Tempel 1 is set to be bombarded with a 'washing machine' - 83 million miles away.
   I'd give it a snowball's chance in a tumble dryer of ever doing the rinse cycle properly again. Call the repair man someone... what d'you mean the call out fee is $60 million!

Suicide Bummer
   Anyone who believes in clever sheep, just read this... 1500 sheep followed their stupid flock leader as Turkish shepherds looked on in shock, too late to catch him. So where did they go? Over a cliff !
   That's true !

Meadow Mown
   At long last that sender of innocent women to jail has been recognised for the menace he is and has been for some years. Prof (Sir, but for how long?) Roy Meadow has been struck off the medical register by his own peers. Infinity Junction have argued, along with Portia Campaign, for some years now that Meadow's own ego is bigger than his sense of realism. We cannot say justice has been done, after all, several women have lost years in jail that can never be re-claimed.
   Next the legal suits...

Bye Bye Ted
   Eduar Teeth, as one foreign reporter called him, or 'sailor boy' years ago in his Morning Cloud days, Rest In Peace. He wasn't liked by hard-liners because he was sensible rather than followed Tory principles rigidly. Actually he was somewhat to the left of our current 'Labour' government on some things, which made him the 'acceptable face of conservatism.' That was one of his famous phrases - 'the unacceptable face of capitalism' - how refreshing that sounded from a Conservative prime minister.

Police Exposed - by investigative journalist Rod Hetpoker
   Studland beach in Dorset has been designated as one of Britain's few legal naturist bathing sites for some time. Recently however some prankster posted it on the internet as a 'dogging' place - (free sex with strangers for those who don't know.) So now undercover police have stepped in to arrest and rid the area of sex pests.
    Are we about to see the first naked police? Watch that space!
(Nude must be joking! - Ed.)

Far Right-eous
   President G W Thickett does it again- siding with the religeous right on evolution. Intelligent Design he says is behind life the universe and everything.
   Intelligent? Hark who's talking! Der.

Old Dogs - EM
   WW2 Vets reunite, says teletext today. Where; the Imperial Fur Museum !

IT's Fine
   Big IT project blunders have been rife in the UK, nevertheless the UK police have decided they need a 'national' database of criminals. Hard to believe they haven't had one before!
   Police have had a national database of motorists for many years... Those of us who drive in North Wales know all about that- reputedly the highest density of traffic cops per road mile in the UK! Does this say something about police priorities?

Head Lines
   Yet another sub-title clanger- BBC news, satellite text over a map of Iraq- meant to say 'Shia and Kurds areas.' Actually said 'Shit Head Kurd areas' !
   We daren't comment.

   The UK Islamic community has been criticised for being isolated from non-muslims and not saying enough in public to condemn extremism. However in a comment from the Muslim News editor, he says it's inequality that counts and that religion is not the main dividing factor. Inequality is largely down to the large gap between rich and poor in the UK.
   That's a fair point. With chief executives 'earning' millions, while workers on the ground often struggle to make ends meet, there is something wrong. Ask the super-rich to contribute more and take less. Well, New Labour?

Houston We Have A Problem - by StO
   Petrol prices reached a crazy high of around UK £5 per gallon as yet another US city was evacuated in panic and oil rigs abandoned. They've slipped back down a bit but they won't ever get back to the old prices. Here in the UK Lexus have launched a massive advertising campaign for a hybrid technology car. And what vehicle do they choose? A lightweight town runabout a la Smart? A sleek and efficient sports car? No. A bloody great 3.3 litre SUV!
   What's the point?

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2005 - part four

   Another example of EuroNews excessive pro-French-and-pals bias was transmitted last night in a sports report. Failing to mention big news, such as Michael Schumaker's possible retirement from the sport, they praised the French formula-1 car to the sky and reported the 'German' McClaren team stood a chance. Everyone knows McClaren are English and always have been. The only connection is their rather unreliable Mercedes engine. But France can't have England doing anything well. The fact is, EuroNews, we already know of your nasty bias and laugh at you- grow up, hein.

Angle Iron
   Germany is to have its first woman Chancellor, Angela Merely, dubbed by the media as the new Maggie Thatcher. We don't think so: this would-be Iron Lady has all the charisma of a rusty nail.
(Addendum: weeks later: still no government, maybe they've all forgotten her already - Ed.)

Round Rome Blind Drunk
   We have had odd pronouncements out of Rome for years, with both Berlusconi and the Vatican there. This one though comes from the local government, allegedly. Round goldfish bowls are to be banned as they believe they make fish blind.
   Eh? Filled with vodka, maybe.

No Smoke Without Smoke
   Rarely have we seen such disarray in the UK government than with the introduction of a public smoking ban. Some degree of sense has returned, though, with a compromise that leaves Health Minister Hewitt with egg on her face. (Salmonela, no doubt. Ed.) People are now to be given some freedom of choice with private clubs (Westminster? Ed.) and some pubs being allowed smoky. Well, if they want to kill themselves, let 'em, as long as they keep their smoke to themselves.

Gunning It
   Operation Kratos, London police policy of shoot to kill terrorists, introduced after multiple bombings, was claimed to be extending into other fields too. The commisssioner dismissed this as sales-making untruth by tabloid newspapers. We note that radical North Wales Police have failed to deny they won't extend it to motorists, their enemy number one. (Alledgedly, Ed.)

Good Night Lady
   According to subtitles, Chloe died of 'Men Good Nighties' picked up in hospital. Out of respect for Chloe and family, we make no comment.

New Year Prediction for, well, er, 2012 - Stew the Oil
   Gas and oil prices rise inexorably as supply becomes harder to find. We don't have many coal mines left in the UK thanks to all those strikes 25 years ago. Basically we're running out of energy as fossil fuels are used up. Okay we've built some wind farms which are nice and eco friendly, but they're only ever going to supply a small amount of our needs. So Greenpeace et al have gone ballistic again trying to veto any discussion about replacing those elderly nuclear power plants. The sight of some guy shouting from roof beams of speech venue for St Tony to announce a debate was simply pathetic.
   What does that leave us with? Apart from energy saving measures, and maybe some attempt to extract energy from the risible amount of sun the UK has in winter, it's just crackpot schemes. Whether you like the idea or not, nuclear is on the way back.
(See also 2006 predictions in Blogjob 2006.)

More Smoke
   Sometimes we wonder what sort of planning people we have in the UK. Quite apart from the usual moans about green belt disappearing and overcrowded new housing plots, there is a fundamental malaise surfacing. Perhaps it's a laziness which stops them interfering in big business because they have the resources to put up a fight. Well just think; petrol and aircraft fuel storage in Hemel Hempstead; a dormitory town for London. One tank explodes during maintenance- that's bad enough. But why should one tank be so close to others that almost the lot blow up in turn? And what's the Buncefield depot doing close enough to housing and motorways that they have to be evacuated and closed? And we haven't even started to think about what responsibility owners Total and Texaco have for it. Full marks for idiocy, doh.

Sub-Plot - EM
   For years now there has been debate about whether to cull badgers to reduce TB in UK cattle. Would it work? Nobody knows. Now a sinister new development shows that the whole thing is a plot by our euro rivals to harm British agriculture. Subtitles last night clearly stated that Germany pays most into European 'coughers.'
(Speaking of subsidised euro agriculture, I wonder how the English term 'cough up' translates there? - Ed.)

Toilet Humour
   A report about the IRA McCartney killing says 47 people refused to make a statement, claiming they were disabled and in the toilet at the time... all at once in a single small cubicle !
   Imagine it if you can; 'I say, someone hand me toilet paper, will you.'

(Special puzzle...) True or false? Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychyrdrobwillantysiliogogoch is spelt correctly. Answers, in a clearly marked biodegradable sealed floating container, to be dropped over the north half of Thomas Telford's Menai Suspension Bridge west side, exactly one hour and fourteen minutes after spring tide high water at Menai Bridge. First prize: for those who fully comply - an awesome sight. (See also a story about the second, Stephenson's Tubular Bridge built over the Menai Strait.)

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That's all for 2005, there was more in
NuGgets but you've missed it now

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