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North Western Rural Sports League - round up

Latest News -     Dairy Shield: Maurice Malpas suspended after failing a breath test following allegations of training using French Camembert cheese with more tractable rolling characteristics. Investigations at his home and training ground continue. Further news as soon as it breaks.
Latest News Update - MALPAS EXCLUDED  - last three results (Cheshire Downhill Allcomers, Ribble Poohsticks and Derbyshire Dingle Roll) declared invalid and all placements below his have moved up one. His entry to the last event of this season (Burnley Bounce) has been barred. This means Warrington Winstanley win the team trophy, leaving favourites Cheshire Flashers fighting for second and third places with Rochdale Rollers and Kendal Kangaroos. Malpas is reported to have said he intends to take up eggs next year.

    Carlisle Cup: 1st Muscles Malham - three metres and twelve centimetres, one broken leg and a black eye. 2nd: Sherman (Shagger) Jones - thirteen centimetres, one fluke and a badly bruised shin. 3rd: (posthumously) Lanolin O'Lane - one metre dead. All other contestants were disqualified either under the dress code or the three steps and you're out rule.
   Next years Pennine Sheep Throwing Championship is to be held in March instead of August using the new years crop when it is hoped the injury rate will be substantially reduced. Referees have been told to be tough again. Contestants must be insured and wear suitable protection.

   Molehill Biking: results from the North Wales round - the slow race down Tryfan was abandoned when the last rider fell off seven hours and nine minutes after the start but had not covered the minimum qualifying distance. Judges awarded consolation prizes. In order to reduce hypothermia, it is proposed to ban brakes next season; objections or proposals (fully reasoned please) should be made in writing before the next committee meeting.

In brief -
   Wasps 14, Hornets 21
   Devils 1, Fairies 1 (og)
   Magpies 5, Robins 2
   Seabirds (middles and offs): 14,344 (down 1,721 from last year.) Next year maximum aflatoxin levels will be raised to WTO standards.
   (Pigeons - wood vs feral: late start.)

Local News and Views

Nesstown Zoo Update: the penguin saga rumbles on amid continuing controversy. Those notoriously capricious birds have become the subject of yet another pecking order, however the head keeper still insists he won't muzzle them without a UN mandate. Now local residents are warning that the infamous Nesstown Zoo mutants are becoming active again and may break into the penguin enclosure, releasing flocks of "Dangerous and very wild animals, whose culture significantly clashes with ours." Watch this space...

Clubs and Societies

   Penguin Bating Soc - the next activity evening 'quilts from quins' will be held at The Knitting Circle, Checestershire Town Hall and members are invited to bring a friend with a bottle or a gun. (Licence applied for.) We have such fun so do come along. Live entertainment. Hoot? You'll die laughing!

   Marches and Marshes Embroidery, Home Improvement and Decoration Club. Entries from members are invited to the Antique Furniture Enhancement of the Year award (televised on Cymru Digidol, viewers 6.) They should be accompanied by photos of both before and after you emulsion painted your Welsh dresser in purple or lime green and accompanied by the entry fee of 50pence +VAT or ten euros. Other styles will be considered. Competition day is the 8th and entry to the hall is free. Refreshments available. First prize: £2·50 token from Henrietta's Hardware n'Haberdashery of Heswall.

   Classic car owners are invited to a 'weld-in' at the Smellmere Sport Scrapyard car park and traveller's rest. £5 will buy you as much acetylene as you can drink and advice will be on hand for the nervous. Disabled facilities. Any old parts? Bring them along too.

   Dee Shot-Gun Hunters are to hold a bring and shoot day. Escapees will not be chased beyond low water mark. Waders optional. Padding recommended. Any old farts? Bring them along too.

   Fishermen Anonymous - wear dark glasses and sit around all day getting cold and bored. Marsh Ponds Private Fishery - password 'carp' (-ing on about that 12 pounder.) £15 per hour. Fish extra.

   Hedgehogs Anonymous has hibernated for the winter, anyone suffering withdrawal symptoms is advised to visit The HogDoc for relief.

   W.I. - Jam making with garden birds .... zzzzz
   Coming soon - do-it-yourself bacon introduced by the cure-ator of the animal hospital museum at Nesstown Zoo. Any old tarts? Bring them along too.

* NEWS JUST IN -
   Rural sports league to launch EXTREME wing of the organisation. Extreme cheese rolling will require full protective gear and candidates for entry should be able to prove they have no fear of heights or sheep.

 
Source: Checestershire Sauce© weekly tabloid newspaper