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2002 - predictions from old Great Grandma Nim-o-damus - translated from colloquial Futon Chinese by staff fluent in English, then 'interpreted' into a modern context by Evelyn Murray
©infinityjunction.com.

   January - £1 fruit machines in the UK all converted to 2 x 50 pence as 'euro' coins worth just 60p are found to work in their slots. The value of 50 pence coins rise as a direct consequence. Government attacked by opposition parties for failing to stabilise the 50p against the £1.

   February - incompetent eurocrats in Brussels are suspended on full pay for omitting 2 days from the European Standard Month but the whole affair is hushed up as 40 million calendars have already been sent out with only 28 days in February.

   March - starting 2 days early by mistake, March is cancelled and renamed 'Early Spring.'

   April - 'Mid Spring' officially starts in mainland Europe. In Britain and Scandinavia where winter is barely over, eurocrats are re-named 'spring-brains' or spongiform encephalopaths to give it the scientific term.

   May - Mayday now becomes Gayday as euro-human rights law forbids anything with sinister medieval connotations or which might otherwise be non-politically-correct.

   June - French air traffic controllers start their annual pre-holiday-rush strike bang on schedule. Nobody notices this year because the whole European air traffic system is already on its knees.

   July - French air traffic controllers return to work just in time to get sufficient overtime payments in before France closes down for a month.

   August - Great Britain's sea level falls as the country gets lighter due to the summer exodus to European sun. Ibiza sinks three inches.

   September - returning holiday makers discover they need 'noxious fume licences' to run barbecues as part of Britain's contribution to the Kyoto Protocol. Charcoal prices slump and OChEC cuts production. East Anglia floods as sea level rises again.

   October - the 'euro' is 9 months old and so 100 million of them are wasted on a massive PR campaign to woo British voters in a coming referendum on monetary union. The slogan "9 months and then a welcome new arrival" is dropped after eurocrats learn that ¾ of UK babies are unplanned pregnancies.

   November - 'remember remember the fifth of November, gunpowder treason and plot...' Why? For God's sake its older than America and we still celebrate the slaughter of a traitor. How's about 'bloody November, who wants to remember anything other than summer.'

   December - EU human rights judges in Strasbourg forbid overt celebration of the Christian Christmas in case it might offend the immigrant population. Britain votes to expel Brussels and Strasbourg from the EU.

   January 2003 - Brussels and Strasbourg apply to join the UK in the secret expectation that Britain will become part of the USA. Tony Blair accepts. Britain's population emigrates to North Africa to avoid EU laws and dumb US TV shows. Tunisia sinks an inch.

   Ides of March 2003 - yea there shall come forth from above a terrible host of Fi-Mancha clothed about all in red... sorry Great Grandma Nim: can't read the notes I made on this chip paper.

The 'crone' is genuinely spooky at times - once cursed a lad - never seen again in Neston.
Mind you she did curse him in Liverpool.

(I had to cut the fire and brimstone stuff: no-one would believe it. Ed.)


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