time period: |
year 2009 - as seen from 2008 ! (2008's predictions for 2009.)
year 2009 - first part (Hung, blue BBC, Mandyballs.)
year 2009 - part two (Leg, brain, guts, pies, 8, boob.)
year 2009 - part three (Duckhouse, Omagh, Jacko, pay, bully, dress, hell, bomber, zzz, cicada.)
year 2009 - fourth part (Spares, currency, Czechmate, Glasgee, dead cat, who? Kercher / Knox, Copenhagen, bloody PM, 10.)
Other Blogjob years - Blogjob main menu
10 Years Older Bloody Berlusconi Kerching Doesn't Ring True Salty Old Girl of the Sea Cry If You Like, But Try Not To Laugh - StO Horizible - the boring tale of how long a bit of string is - or, is Shrödinger's cat dead? Auld Ways - S.t.O. The Last Eurosceptic - Czechmate Pointy Thing - this 'joke' is copyright of firstname.lastname@example.org- Infinity Junction, the organsation, takes no responsibility. Money For Old... Thievery Or Incompetence? SEE current NuGgets. Longer and Lo...zzzz. E.M. What Do Cicadas Do? Interview With A Corpse Hell In A Tent Tra-la-ugh Bully Fair Pay The Great Lawyer's Office In The Sky Footballers Murder 28 Shock Horror Disastrophy Sigh
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The noughties end with a rather long sigh. Some of 2009's bad news- Copenhagen predictably crap, (see below.) Al-Qaida fights on despite deserved set-backs. Oil cartel pushes price up. Politicians incompetent as ever and oozing grease. Bankers ooze greed, still. Corruption still rife in the third world. People still hate different people. And it's cold and wet here at Infinity Junction HQ. Ugh. One minor up is that swine-flu didn't kill everyone after all. But now, the good news: NuGgets column is 10 years old and still going. Here comes 2010; hope you're better. Happy New Year everyone, Ed.
The strange case of Briton Meredith Kercher's murder in Italy 2 years ago whiffs somewhat, don't you think? Rotting shellfish springs to mind. Probably the most unlikely woman to be put on trial for murder, American Amanda Knox, is now serving 26 years in clink. The most damning evidence, we are told, is that of a kitchen knife used to kill Kercher having Knox's and her boyfriend Sollecito's DNA on it. Well, if you live in a house there's a good chance you'll use the kitchen, which in turn means there is a good chance there'll be traces of you in it, including probably on the kitchen knife. The case itself took so long to be heard that UK press pretty much ignored the actual trial, so all the facts are hard to find in English. Expect an appeal though, perhaps some of that fishy smell will be wafted away; experience says it's likely to be a long wait.
Since we spent a part of our early days in NuGgets solving global warming, (see Blogjob,) we suppose there should be a comment here on the looming Copenhagen conference. So much noise and threats coming from both sides of the equation suggests it will be acrimonious. What good will come of it, apart from smugness from the side doing best? Being cynical of all politicians, and it is mainly politicians at this conference, we can expect a fudge. Don't'ya just lurve poilticians! Perhaps we should send bankers instead. (That would be the end of the world! Ed.)
President Rumpy-Pumpy of Europe? Not even the Belgians have heard of him! (He's their Prime Minister; Ed.)
BBC generally produce first rate TV science programs, but every now and then blunder. Top showcase science series Horizon has gone astray before but the last episode was a real turkey, shame on you Beeb. Who would have thought a second rate actor, best known for weak comedy, should present a theoretical program on measurement? You're right, no-one. And you're also right: it was crap! Alan Davies wandered aimlessly and non-scientifically through various A-level style phenomena to come up with no answers of any use to pleb or scientist. You might say it was a long story short on reason. Come on BBC, Horizon deserves better.
So Brown-Gordon cheers himself and Murdoch's grubby papers try to avoid it. Now let's get something clear here, large tracts of Glasgow have been in-bred Labour supporters since ordinary people were allowed to vote there. So what's the big deal; retaining a seat against feeble opposition and intrenched voting habbits? Well it's the supposed rise and rise of the Scottish National Party. Time will tell. Personally a'hae m'doobts, the Salmond may be smoked out at the next general election.
Final signing off of the Lisbon Treaty by the Czech Republic kills CamEton's promise to scupper it if elected. It also reduces one of his best selling points to UK voters, making a hung parliament even more likely next year. Rally the troops eh, the old school song- 'Jolly Voting Weather...'
The scene- BBC4's excellent program on the history of aviation, dateline 1930ish. An 8 day journey from London to Cape Town, first class. The limousine picks up passengers from their 5 star hotels, or in some cases 5 star brothels. The large bi-plane lands in darkest southern Africa to be met by natives with assagais held high.
Posh lady: "What's an assagai?"
"You know," says man of the world, "The thing that when high, you can say, now that's a guy."
Can ancient secrets get us out of the money crisis... read on. With so many TV channels now its inevitable that at some stage you'll see an old film, even if just in passing. One such was the Jules Verne story Journey to the Centre of the Earth in which James Mason's character was heard to say: the induction coils should go on turning out currency for ever. You might say 'coiling it in.'
MP's expenses row comes to a bitter end with 'cleared' payments being clawed back. Some of the items which were cleared seem quite extraordinary; mortgages on other people's houses, a duck house and so on. It makes you wonder who ever passed the claims as legitimate. Ah, but NuGgets has some inside news- in an attempt to stave off swingeing cuts at the Ministry of Defence, they've already been exporting spare people to other departments. It's a shame those same people didn't think to claim expenses on proper equipment for the military before they were moved out. Next perhaps we'll see parliamentary claims being lodged for Chinook spares.
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Have you noticed how long the TV build up to sports events is these days? An hour of inane chit-chat before football matches and motor races. It seems the same ideas are creeping into concerts. It used to be a fifteen minute interval rush to the bar and loo. Then the BBC decided they'd go for twenty so that the second half wasn't interrupted by returning audience. 'Twenty Minutes' as the Beeb title their interval talks is now closer to half an hour. Enter our new presenters for concert intervals: Phillup Thyme and Vera Boareng.
More subtitles. Cicadas growl, reads the text as the hero moves silently through the set. So dogs chirrup? Maybe they fly too; don't stand next to that lamp post without an umbrella.
EXCLUSIVE wailed the headlines of TV Channel 5 news, supplied by Murdoch's grubby Sky News. There followed later an "interview" with al-Megrahi, Libyan plane-bomber released from a Scottish jail. Clearly comatose and wearing breathing assisitance mask, the bomber was then asked a question he was plainly incapable of answering. 'He doesn't want to answer,' claimed the reporter. How stupid an 'interview' was that! Like we say; grubby.
After a number of incidents at previous years bikers' summer dos, including murders, there was a TV inteview with a Hell's Angels organiser... in a marquee... "Hells Angels are under in-tents scrutiny," said the interviewer.
Watching a not particularly agile-voiced soprano trying coloratura Handel, one Infinity Junction associate was heard to say "The best thing about her is her dress." Needless to say most of the other listeners didn't hear the next minute for laughter.
As regular NuGgets column readers will know, we've been forced to take an extended break from normal activities, hence the rather empty page compared to most years. However a matter we've touched on before has finally gone through various appeal processes. Gary McKinnon, a 'hacker' interested in proving his theory about UFOs and the military hiding information about them, has failed in his bid to avoid extradition to the US. This guy, with no particular axe to grind, apart from UFOs, and no particular ability beyond what anyone can pick up off the internet, managed to get into the highest level of US security. Now they want revenge, that's all, because he's no evil mastermind. Come on USA, admit YOU fouled up on your security and leave McKinnon alone.
With finances stretched all round, jobs and livelihoods threatened, why then be so profligate at the top end? Most people find it hard to believe that top executives in the credit crunch era are still getting multi-million pound bonuses and salaries. And we have the UK government quite happy to commit to billions of pounds worth of defence spending on aircraft carriers and nuclear missile submarines.The question has to be- how the hell do the ordinary people knock sense into greedy executives and incompetent defence staff, let alone government ministers? Well, for sure the next election and new government is NOT going to solve that. Remember the old Who song? 'Meet the new boss, same as the old boss,' well, that rings true. So what to do? Well, there was a classic sci-fi called Logan's Run, in which everyone over 30 exploded. Why not automatically bar anyone who reaches the 1 million per anum (UK pounds) from earning again, make them retire on a state pension and their own savings. I wonder how many jobs would be advertised at £999,999 a year?
Ah... but what about expenses? Now might there be a story in that, I wonder?
Infinity Junction does not often comment on individual matters, but... well Jacko's gone. Do you know some Bas-t-illigimate-person nicked my Best Of CD, that worries me more than his passing. Now ain't I B-you-know-what!
According to subtitles on BBC news, Real Madrid were responsible for to 1998 Omagh bomb. (Real IRA... Ed.) They also claim NHS bar staff are going to be squeezed. (NHS budget... Ed.)
An incredible amount of fuss has been made in the UK media over the last couple of weeks about 'corruption' in political circles. What, is the press blind or something? Everybody knows politicians are only in it for themselves, so is it such a surprise we've seen absurd expenses claims? Sack the lot of 'em, how about a dictatorship instead.
Second thoughts- Saddam, Hitler, Kim, European Commission... mmm, surely there must be a better way... anyone?
10 Years Older
Kerching Doesn't Ring True
Salty Old Girl of the Sea
Cry If You Like, But Try Not To Laugh - StO
Horizible - the boring tale of how long a bit of string is - or, is Shrödinger's cat dead?
Auld Ways - S.t.O.
The Last Eurosceptic - Czechmate
Pointy Thing - this 'joke' is copyright of email@example.com- Infinity Junction, the organsation, takes no responsibility.
Money For Old...
Thievery Or Incompetence?
SEE current NuGgets.
Longer and Lo...zzzz. E.M.
What Do Cicadas Do?
Interview With A Corpse
Hell In A Tent
The Great Lawyer's Office In The Sky
Footballers Murder 28 Shock Horror Disastrophy
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A Scottish 'Bra Boss' (lingerie tycoon Michelle Mone) has ceased 'support' for Labour in protest at the 50p new top tax rate. (Only 50p, Wilson tried 60p.) Labour's top women might soon be feeling the loss, even 'Moan' about it. Heave ho! 'Over my shoulder goes one care' as the song went. So if you see large wobbly shoulders in Parliament, you'll know why.
Fangs A Lot
Another great headline- 'Man Bites Snake.' (True; Kenya, a three hour battle with a large python ended in the victim biting the snake's tail.)
What a headline- 'Explosion At Pie Factory.' ('Uddersfax, Yorkshire, UK.) Sounds like news of Mrs Tweedy's come-uppance has finally reached Fleet Street.
TVs At Rest
So Jade's gone; now what will the gutter press latch onto? Once described by one J. Clarkson on BBC TV's Top Gear as 'a pig-faced, racist waste of guts and blood,' she will not be sadly missed at Infinity Junction, although the manner and age of her demise is regrettable.
What, though, is surprising is that Ms Goody should have risen so far with her obnoxious ways and so little intelligence. Maybe it has something to do with big tits.
There was a young lady called Trimble
Whose brain was exceedingly nimble
Her team were bereft
As one had left
Which seems considerably dim ble
(Corpus Christi win disallowed, UK, Ed.)
Wales News- "Mr (X) had lost a leg and that effected his mobility."
An unusual news item from USA was greeted by one Nesstown local as: "Did you Hear? An American woman has given birth to a live octopus!"
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Kiss Of Death? - S.t.O.
'Mandy' (Lord Mandleson), UK something or other to do with business minister, has said: 'The UK car industry is not a lame duck.' He really shouldn't have said that, for goodness sakes, disaster area Mandy of all people. Buy a Jaguar or Land Rover while you still can.
(I did, third hand of course, how else could you afford a Jag. Damn good it is too. Ed.)
BBC Blue Bias
What is the BBC, our most prestigious and revered news organisation, doing running an absolute non-story at number one slot in peak viewing? 'Green shoots' comment on the economy as a first news item- (green shoots of recovery, which of course the Tory opposition does not want to see before an election,)- what's the 'news' in that, zilch. What the hell should spark such an over-reaction? Answer; the Tory spin machine and internal bias. Shame on you Beeb.
Well Hung ?
Only the first of Jan 09 and already the political leakages are appearing. Apparently Brown-Gordon expects the Conservative surge to peter out somewhat and is now organising secret talks with the Lib-Dems, expecting either a hung paliament or, less likely, a coalition after the next election. Hum, coalitions in the UK have a bad history. Now hung parliament... that has a ring to it! Fun, fun, fun.
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2009 Predictions ... © copyright Infinity Junction December 2008
Predictions for 2009, made in 2008- this year attributed to Infinity Junction's backroom boffin N.M.L.G. ©
Jan 2009- Obama The Unfortunate inherits ex President Thickett's financial crisis and starts to sack public servants to save cash, starting with the lower paid, less attractive jobs to save redundancy payments. Suddenly Obama's bin's laden.
Feb- Osama bin Laden makes a surprise guest appearance on Al Jazeera's late night chat show from Oman. Thickett orders the bombers in, forgetting he's no longer in charge. However the air force like his suggestion and take off to flatten the TV station.
March- Obama discovers the bomb plot and orders the bombers to abort bombing Osama in Oman. Thwarted over Osama, the miltary ponder about Obama as an alternative.
April- Retired President Thickett visits Omaha to speak to the new president. Obama's not in Omaha, he's seeking parly with Osama in Oman. (How long can this go on- Ed?)
May- Over and over, in Omaha, overseas in Oman and even Osaka, Obama, seeks Osama. Osama escapes to Alaska under the adopted name of Ottoman.
June- Obama's over-laden bin is finally emptied by immigrant labour from Alaska. Osama bin Laden rifles Obama's laden bin.
July- Osama Ottoman retreats via Oman to Pakistan and adopts bin Laden again. Obama's bin adopts a laden altitude again. (Oh hell! Ed.)
Aug- Brown-Gordon is invited to Obama's holiday retreat over near Omaha. Bin Laden in his retreat at altitude is invited to retreat by The Afghan Rifles and Pakistani troops. Osama retreats to Oman and is treated as Ottoman out of obscurity.
Sept- Obama's quest for Osama abandoned by minions as Osama obfuscates all overt indications.
Oct- 'New Osama' invented by minions in fear of unemployment. Absence of affinities leads minions from Omaha to Osaka and the honoured Electric Lookalikes works, most famous for robot Santas.
Nov- At his retreat near Omaha, Obama orders the tallest Christmas tree and decorations imaginable.
Dec- Oh my, behold Obama's Osama Santa from Osaka to Omaha, at altitude overtly oscillating, orating 'oh, ho, ho, ho.' (Oh, no, oh no. Ed. Oh, happy Christmas 2009.)
2009 Predictions ... © copyright Infinity Junction December 2008
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